Kung Fu Monks

While all y'all have been busily snatching up tickets to see guys in colorful coats prance around or set props of Shakespearean death contraptions appropriated by rock bands, I have decided to go a slightly different route with my nightly entertainment. Last night, accompanied by "Samuelson" and my manager Aimee, I attended London's Peacock Theatre to witness the amazing, the incredible, KUNG FU MONKS!



As the venue advert says: Think Kill Bill. Think Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. But with one major difference: the Kung Fu gloriousness is performed by real monks rather than hired stunt professionals. Most of these monks are at the prime of their health and fitness, their bodies as strong and supple as bamboo. But some of these monks were seven (as in SEVEN YEARS OLD)! When I was seven I was running around with the sniffles and one shoe untied, with an appointment to get my tonsils out. Why couldn't I have been a sword-wielding, robe-sporting monk with AMAZING moves? Life isn't fair.

The introductory voice-over at the beginning of the show explained the art of Kung Fu as being the Shaolin Monks' response to the intrusion of a world of hatred, violence, and wars upon their peaceful ways--an original form of self defense taking its cues from the movements of animals. And, at this show, I witnessed some animal moves the likes of which have never been seen! (Besides, of course, by all the other people who have bought tickets to go see them.) As each monk came on to do his solo, we saw a scorpion, a snake, and an uncannily accurate squirrel emerge from the figures Fu-ing before us.

Then, there were also the requisite awe-inspiring and death-defying stunts. First, a man lay down with his back across three sharpened machetes (their sharpness was proven by an assistant monk dramatically chopping a ripe yellow melon into bits, flinging sweet juices all over the stage). Once he was comfortably situated across the machetes, a spike-studded panel was placed on his chest. Then, yet another monk lay down on top of the spiky panel on top of his friend, and two slabs of marble were placed upon his chest. These slabs of solid stone were then smashed by a sledgehammer.

Next, another monk walked up and then down a small pyramid of ornate and equally sharpened axe heads, carrying two full buckets of water to add weight to his lithe and limber body. Wow!

This was followed by another monk doing a fingerstand. Like a handstand, but with his entire body weight supported only on his two index fingers. There was also a guy who backflipped across the stage going from his feet to his head back to his feet, no hands involved.

Then, in what was perhaps the highlight of the show, a monk was raised aloft in a daring feat during which he was supported only by spears in his nipples:



Yeah. I think the phrase you're looking for here is "man alive!"

Hiiii-Yah!