British Music Sucks

Okay, okay. So the title of this blog post is a little harsh. In fact, most of my favorite bands are British. But the thing that has been perplexing me most about British culture recently is the remarkably tacky, tasteless, gag-inducing pop music that they are able to churn out and gobble up. It's eerie. Some examples:

1. Westlife



Just look at them with their stupid hair and stupid faces. I think they have been at the top of the charts since I've been here, selling gazillions of albums. Their lyrics include such lines as "You raise me uuuuup, so I can stand on mooooountains" and "You're my special thing / I'm flying without wings". All their power ballads sound frighteningly alike, and when they perform them live on television (which happens just about every night) they always start out sitting on stools (I'm guessing that's because it makes them seem like sensitive, lovelorn manchildren) and then stand up, dramatically clenching/pumping their fists for the key change.

2. Take That/Robbie Williams



Apparently, they have decided to get back together. The world has been missing out on their genius for too many years. The calendar-selling website where I found the photo gushed:

With rumors of a reunion on the cards the UK's preimer boy band are back in all their 90's glory. Isn't it time to let Robbie Gary, Howard, Jason and Mark relight your fire!

Um...first of all, please proofread your stupid praise before vomiting it onto the internet. And NO, it is not time for me to let them relight my fire. I do NOT want them back (want them back) want them back (want them back) want them back (want them back) for good. Also...what is the deal with Robbie Williams? Yes, I suppose he is relatively attractive. Sometimes. But his image is so confusing (Elvis? Random tattoos? Leisure suit?), and his music is not so hot.

3. Sugababes/Girls Aloud



To tell the truth, I can't ever remember the difference between these two "bands". Although they think they are kooky in that sexy-cuz-we're-dressed-weird kind of way, they're not. And their music is boring and trashy.



One good and pretty exciting thing about British music at the moment, however, is a band called Nizlopi.



Nizlopi is just two guys -- namely, my friend Finn's cousin Luke, and his childhood friend John. One plays guitar and sings, the other plays stand-up bass and beatboxes. Awesome. Their single, called JCB Song (about Luke's childhood hero--his dad--who used to drive him around on a JCB tractor), is currently the #1 Hit in the UK charts! Hooray Nizlopi! You are far better and infinitely more heartfelt than the other chart-topping assholes! If you want to see their really cool music video, go HERE!. There's also a cool little cyber-toy that lets you doodle with a cyber pencil. Nifty!